Creationist Cousins 2.0

Humans are descended from ape-like ancestors

That's a scientific fact, but some people still question it

Darwin has detractors, religious detractors

Not scientific detractors, don't get the shit backwards

And when they question I listen, they say: "If we came from

Monkeys, then how come there's monkeys still in existence?"

Well how about this: I'm descended from Dutch immigrants

But I still have second cousins who live in the Netherlands

They're not my ancestors; no, they're my relatives

Since we have common genetic elements

Inherited from our great grandparents, things like freckles

And fair complexions and linguistic dexterousness

But if you got back far enough, humans are all relatives

And some of my relatives are religious fundamentalists

Approximately twenty percent of them

And at the dinner table we debate statistics

Creationist cousins, they're my relations, I love 'em

But when they talk about Jesus and Revelations and Judges

I've gotta take it up with them

'Cause there's a better explanation for the place that we come from, okay?

Creationist cousins, they're my relations, I love 'em

But at the dinner table we get on some crazy discussions

I'm always questioning their basic assumptions

And saying, "Yes I believe we came from monkeys, okay?"

So I say "Creationism is unscientific

Ninety nine percent of practicing scientists think evolution

Is the best explanation for living systems

There's overwhelming empirical evidence!"

And they say "Baba, it's not a scientific consensus

If a significant one percent is still dissenting

And risking black-listing in bold resistance

To this fascist conspiracy to promote secularism

So then I say "Well great, they can challenge the system

If they can show they have the evidence with them"

And then they say "C'mon, evidence can be twisted

And your presuppositions are materialistic

Maybe the evidence scientists say they've collected

Just proves that God wants our faith to be tested!"

So then I say "But that means your benevolent God

Is the architect of a massive intellectual fraud!

So either evolution is the victim of a frame job

Which explains all of its predictive successes

Or we have to separate God from the scientific method

Otherwise he looks a bit deceptive... snap

Creationist cousins they're my relations I love 'em

But when they talk about how fossils all came from the flood

I gotta take it up with them, 'cause there's a better explanation

For the place that they come from, okay?

Creationist cousins they're my relations I love 'em

'Cause they gave me the patience to engage in discussions

With people who believe in stuff that's made up

Without calling them crazy or dunces, okay?

And that's when my sister steps in and says

"Baba, the Western scientific method

Is just as subjective as every other cultural tradition

It's just better at pretending to be objective

'Cause all behaviour is socially-constructed

And gender roles have nothing to do with genitals

They're just a way for men to control women's goals

And try to turn us all into Playboy centerfolds

Haven't you heard about that tribe in the Amazon

Where the woman does the man's jobs and plants the crops

And brings home the food for the man to wash?

Um, I can't remember exactly what that clan is called

But I know it's a published fact

Because I read about it in my Women's Studies class

And it proves that gender is a socially constructed act

So how does your theory explain that?"

And all I can do is come back with more statistics

About human sexual dimorphism

And male versus female reproductive investments

And, let's just say, the discussions are endless

Creationist cousins they're my relations I love 'em

My gender feminist sister and my shamanist brother

And my dad's reiki practice and my naturopathic mother

But I'm a rational fucker, okay?

Creationist cousins they're my relations I love 'em

'Cause they gave me the patience to engage in discussions

With people who believe in stuff that's made up

Without calling them crazy or dunces, okay?

Okay so sometime I come across as a bit of an arsehole

But I'm not saying I'm impartial – it's not about who's impartial;

It's about how much evidence you can marshal

And how you deliver the parcel

And when my relatives argue, I have to have faith

That we can reach the genuine article in a rational way

Now that's a different kind of faith than my cousins have

In divine creation, but hey, to all of my relatives

And fellow primates, I say

If it makes you feel better, go head and pray

In fact, here's how I pray in a secular way

I have creationist relatives and relative apes

And I wish them all happiness, whatever their faith

And I wish myself patience, since I relish debates

Let us all be respectful and still tell it straight