You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas

You know, they say Christmas is a time for giving

At least that's what the good book says

And at our house, every Christmas Eve

My son and daughter and their families drive down from the big city

For an old-fashioned family holiday

Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card

You can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking cookies for the children

And she spends hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since last August

She hangs all the stockings all over the fireplace

In the morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn Christmas tree ever saw in your life

This year we really outdid ourselves, you know

Ma and I are getting on in our years

So, we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of ten thousand dollars apiece

Well, I reckon it was around noon when I heard the dogs barking ("Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!")

And there was Jim, the mailman in his old Santa cap, coming up the walk

Teasing the dogs, holding a package

Well, he handed it over to me and says

"Pappy, looks like you got an overnight package from your daughter"

Well, Ma tore it open

To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read

"Hello Ma and Dad

At the last minute we got a cheap fare on the internet and went to Hawaii

Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year

Love, Princess"

Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself

You ain't getting shit for Christmas (hey princess, you ain't getting shit for Christmas)

You can shove that fruitcake up your ass (fact you can stick up that fruitcake up your ass)

You ain't getting shit (you drinking shit)

No, you ain't getting dick (you drinking dick for me and ma)

You ain't getting shit for Christmas (and hanging it like that)

You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years

And I've been off the sauce myself for a while now

And heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinking again

Who in the entire nation could that be, Junior and his family?

It was some delivery fella standing there holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached