Текст пісні
I wish I made most of that shit up. That pretty much went down like
That. The dog didn't talk, but she stayed. That's the thing, I can
Honestly say she's my best friend, and I used to hear other dudes say
That about their wife or their girlfriend, and I'm like, how can you
Have a best friend who can't play Madden? It's not about that, it's
The person who's there to support you, it's the person who puts up
With my shit. I mean, you know, 'cause if you're single for a long
Time, you start to convince yourself, like, I am a pretty fucking
Good catch, you know? My dog thinks I'm fucking sweet, why am I
Single? And now I look at myself through her eyes every day and I'm
Like, oh that's why. I'm fucking annoying. But you know, you don't
Have to have everything in common, you know? She's almost 10 years
Younger than me, so we have like, generation gap shit. Like, we don't
Listen to the same music, like I listen to mainly old school stuff
And she listens to... shit. Like we were driving here last time, and
She was listening to that, what is it, Bruno Mars? "I'll catch a
Grenade for you." And the thing, I don't mind if you wanna sing a
Sappy song, but now I gotta live up to your fucking lyrics. 'Cause I
Know what's coming, as soon as I hear that, I know what's coming. "
Would you catch a grenade for me?" Like yeah, if the pin was still in
It, probably, I mean... that's just a free grenade. I'm like, the
Bigger issue here is, I don't know if I'd be with you if I thought
You were the type of chick that people were throwing fucking grenades
At all the time, I mean, I might need to reevaluate my feelings at
That point, you know? Yeah, she's pretty, she's smart, but for some
Reason, the German army fucking hates her. I don't know what it is
She did something. "I'll jump in front of a train for you." "Would
You jump in front of a train for me?" "No." What's jumping in front
Of a train gonna do for anybody? You jump in front of a bullet to
Stop a bullet, I'm not gonna stop a train. I'm like, how fucking fat
Do you think I am to stop a fucking train? Just means we're both
Gonna get hit by a train, only I'm gonna look dumb on the news, you
Know? "Yesterday, two people got killed by a train." "Should've just
Been one, but the first one was a real fucking idiot." Like, I just
I don't listen to, I can't listen to new music. You get to a certain
Age with new music where it's just like, this shit just doesn't apply
To me anymore. Like, I don't know what you kids are singing about
But get the fuck off my lawn. Like, I listen to older stuff. We'll
Be in a car, like I have the satellite radio in my car, we were in
The car, I had the 80's station on, and, fuck yeah, Hall and Oates
I know. She went to a Hall and Oates concert with me, I remember
Like it was at the Hollywood Bowl, I remember just, you know
Everybody's watching, there's one like 19 year old girl in our
Section, she's the only one standing up jumping, like "yeah, yeah!"
She said, "why isn't anybody up dancing?" I'm like, 'cause we're all
Fucking 40, shut the fuck up, all right? I'm trying to hear "
Maneater" and you're fucking it up right now. We were in the car
I was listening to the 80's station, and Lionel Richie came on, so I
Turned it up, out of respect for Lionel Richie, I mean, she's like
"Who's this?" I'm like, it's Lionel Richie. She takes a minute, she's
Like, "oh, is that Nicole Richie's dad?" I'm like, I'm gonna drop you
Off. Like, I'm just... I'll come back for you, but I'm gonna need
Some time. We don't listen to the same music, I gotta share the TV
All she watches are cooking shows. And she doesn't fucking cook. She
Doesn't cook any of this shit. I just have to sit there and watch
It with her. She's like, "ooh, wouldn't that be good?" I'm like
Yeah, if we invited that dude over, I guess it'd be really good
Let's have some more Cheerios tonight, what do you think? I mean
It's not 'cause I think she has to cook, it's not a sexist thing
It's just she watches this shit all the time and I have to sit
There. I hate the fucking Food Network. I hate watching these
People fucking just, fucking, they're just such dicks about
Everything. Like, how can you get that mad over a fucking cupcake?
Why are you that mad over a cupcake? "I was a little disappointed
With the texture." Shut the fuck up, all right? Smile and eat your
Free cupcake, Jesus Christ. She's just, you know, she tries to make
Me eat healthier, she shops at Trader Joe's, fucking hippie. I've
Been to Trader Joe's once, I did like three laps with an empty basket
And left, that was mad.How the fuck are you people in business?
Somebody asks me, "can I help you find something?"
I'm like, "get something I fucking
Recognize would be fantastic, yeah."
Where's your Oreos aisle? This sucks
I always go to the regular, I have to sneak after shows at night
I go to the regular grocery store, I always go to Vons in LA, like
Late at night after shows. I was there one, I bought a bunch of shit
One night, but with tax and everything, somehow everything I bought
Came to $50 even. The cashier acted like we hit a slot machine
Like we were gonna win shit for this! She's like, "that's $50 even
That's $50 on the, you have $50 exactly." I'm like, "you're right!"
She's like, "Gary, come look at this, he had $50 even
You have $50 even. I bet you can't do that again."
I'm like, "I bet I could buy all the same shit again."
"Can we just start putting this shit in a bag, we're
Waiting for Gary to come over with fucking balloons, Jesus."
Or Vons does, I don't know if any of the other grocery stores
Do this, I'm supposed to take a Vons scam. Have you been
Through this, where they bring your shit up, they do the
Club card and the tax and everything, right as you're about
To pay, they make their big announcement, "oh, and would you
Like to donate a dollar to help fight muscular dystrophy?"
"No, I'd much rather look like a fucking asshole
To everybody else in line right now, actually."
I'd rather leave the store as everyone glares at
Me, like what a cheap fucking asshole he was
I want all of them to think I like muscular dystrophy
Son of a bitch. Can you break a two, motherfucker
'Cause I hate you. I hate this whole fucking place