Sports

It is good to be back home, though

I got to play golf two days ago

With some guys I grew up with

Love playing golf, I love hitting houses

That's my favorite thing to do, man

I was playing in San Francisco one time

This guy I'm playing with's bragging

You know, hey, look at the house right there

That's worth like 6.5 million dollars, I said, "Really

What do you think, like a four iron?" I just nailed it, man

The owner came out

"Hey, man, you like hitting my house?"

I go, "Hey, man, you like living on a golf course?"

You don't want that to happen, move it big loser

But throw that ball back, that's three bucks to me, man

Throw the ball back

I love all sports, big surfer, when I live in L.A., I live at the beach

L.A. freaks me out, man, too may Earthquakes, too many

I've been through seven! Seven! That's a lot

First one scared me to death, 'cause it's my first one

But it's helps me too because I was bowling

Thanks for getting that, alright

I do live at the beach, I don't surf like I used to, though

I saw this on TV where sharks attack surfers, do you all know that?

They attack surfers 'cause you look like a seal, that's a natural food

Apparently, when you're laying on your board

You have your arms and legs hanging off

From underneath, you look like a seal

So, I just got a picture of a seal

And put a red line through it

And put it underneath my board

I don't care if you like that or not

That's my favorite joke, I don't care

I laughed when I wrote it, I tell it on every show

That's what happens, is not much

I don't care, you can't stop me, that's funny man

I had a petrified of sharks

Though I got killed by a shark scuba diving

That'll freak you out, man

And I was diving with my friends

That was my biggest mistake

'Cause now when I dive, I dive with strangers

"Cause if I see another shark

I'm just going to gut somebody and go, I don't care

I don't wanna know your name on the boat

You know, there's always people walking up and going, hey, I'm a

I go, shut up, la-la, me-eh, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la

What are you doin' I'ma have to kill you later

'Cause it'll freak you out, I didn't know what to do

I'm digging around in the coral

I didn't know what I'm digging for

Because hundred bucks so I'm digging

Huge shark came up, this thing was like 80 feet long

Where you there? I didn't think so, shut up

But his world pops in your head 'cause I thought I was dead

I just kind of looked up and I went, oh, man

They can't smell pee, can they? I don't know

Yeah, go ahead and laugh

I'm not saying I did, I'm asking, all right?

Yeah, you wait 'til it's you, I swear you'll think of me

And go, hey, Henry Cho was right about that

It wouldn't go away, though, It just stayed right there

So, I tried to pretend I was coral, shut up

I swear that's all I could think of, man, I'm like, hey, coral

I'm not trying to get fish to go through my arm

Go, go, go, you know?

I'm a treasure chest guy

I scuba dive at night, that's freaky

Got a flashlight, that's all you can see

I saw these four guys one time, they're diving at night

They all four had flashlights and they saw a shark

So, I said, "Man, what'd y'all do when you saw the shark?"

The guy goes, "Oh, we just turned our flashlights off

Like the shark's going to go"

Where did they go?

I told the guy, you're a goop head, man

I'd have kept two lights on, you know

Try to confuse you, shark, maybe there's a car or something

But the shark be going, man, is that Ted Kennedy in that car?

(Wow, yeah) wow