Lucky Like St. Sebastian

Once upon a time there was a man called Saul

Who persecuted Christians until he saw

The work was bearing fruit for the Christians

So the man changed his opinions and his Christian name to Paul

And he wrote important chapters in the Bible

But the blood on his writing hand reeked to high heaven

And Paul resolved to die

So he wrote to friends in Rome

A senator who owed him a favour

Asking for an executioner

So Paul could make his exit as a martyr

The senator sent this answer:

He said "Should you be so lucky like St Sebastian

Preferring the ache to the aspirin

Swooning as they shoot the arrows

Through your narrow chest

Stripping naked in the Circus Maximus

With a martyr-eating lioness

Bartering with flesh for a little pain

Scenes like this give sadomasochism a bad name"

Once there was a man who loved a woman too much

To give up hope when he saw she wouldn't touch him with a barge pole

He spent his whole life in the Inferno

He composed in thirty-four cantos

O Dante though I'm anti such romantic speculation

I'm your hypocrite reader in the same situation

I'm your double, oh me I'm your brother in pain

But Alighieri if you'll listen there's a difference

Between your Beatrice and my Paula

She's anonymous and now a waitress

- It's comic but not divine

The tragedy is no-one's dying!

Should I be so lucky like St Sebastian

Going out with a bang, just hear me

Whimpering with joy as Mr Death receives his blue-eyed boy

Surrender unto Caesar or to God, it makes no odds

There's just one thing the martyr wants to say:

He says "Tell me, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?"