The One I Don’t Forgive

Still counting hours

Still chasing worth

I scrubbed the dishes, the floors, my past

Worked through the night so the guilt won't last

Hung medals on shame like it earned a prize

But the mirror won't flinch when I tell it lies

If I keep moving, I don't feel much

But my body stiffens when I lose touch

I'm not tired, I'm terrified

Of what I'll hear if I stay quiet inside

I'm the one I don't forgive

Made a cell of how I live

Called it strength, but it's disguise

Filling calendars just to hide

I bury love beneath my pace

Choke it out, then curse the space

No one left to prove it to

Just the fiction I still report to

I praise the grind like a gospel chant

Like if I do more, I'll be less damned

But the tension comes back when the lights go low

And the trophies blink like a headline's "No"

The hardest part's not being missed

It's that I built all of this to not exist

And now I'm scared to sit alone

With the version I postponed

I'm the one I don't forgive

Told myself I shouldn't live

Like I'm someone worth the time

Just distract and call it fine

I exile joy, I court regret

Then punish both like unpaid debt

No one left to fool but me

Still begging guilt to set me free

If I stop... will I shatter?

If I cry... does it matter?

If I heal... do I disappear?

If I love... who brings me near?

I'm the one I need to free

But I made pain identity

I don't want to earn love's grace

I just want to hold its face

I won't outrun what's always there

But I can choose to finally care

Not for them, or work, or pride

But for the boy I pushed aside

Still counting hours

Maybe now, I breathe instead