Mary Jane My Secret Affair

Back in my room, back with the flame

Back to the one who knows my name

Ash in the tray, spine screaming all day

Docs say "quit it," but they don't live in this cage

Flick of a thumb, world starts to fade

I sink in the mattress and melt with the haze

Slow breath, slow burn, let my thoughts all turn

From the bills, from the hurt, from the ghosts that lurk

Mary Jane, my secret affair

You save me every day, you keep me somewhere

Between feeling everything, feeling too bare

You hold me when I'm broken like you always were there

Mary Jane, my secret affair

I grow just to glow, little garden in the glow of the screen

Every leaf, every stem feels like it's rooting for me

Love how you lift me, love how you hide

All of the rage that chews at my spine

They point white coats at the way I cope

But they can't feel when my back locks, hope drops

You tuck my pain under thick green waves

Take my sharpest thoughts and file them away

Yeah, wake up sore, same story, same strain

Hand on the jar like a hand on the brake

Life too loud, I'm about to break

So I twist that truth, take two to the face

Every pull like a lull to the noise in my skull

Every cloud like a cloak when I'm losing control

They say, "You depend too much"

But they don't see me when I tense, when I bend, when I clutch

I've been counting on you since the nights went black

When the hurt in my bones tried to bite right back

If it's wrong, I've been wrong for a long-ass time

But you only one that ever got my body in line

They telling me, "Stop," why you telling me, "Breathe"?

You the calm in the storm when it's hard just to be

So I light that valve 'til I'm old and gray

If I'm chained to anything, let it be this flame

I'm the one you call when the weight's too much

When your spine feels crushed, when your chest feels stuffed

I'm the breath you borrow when your nights feel long

I'm the soft, soft shadow where your hard thoughts fall

I've got your back, love, hidden or shown

You say you'll leave, but you come right home

Mary Jane, my secret affair

You save me every day, you keep me somewhere

Between feeling everything, feeling too bare

You hold me when I'm broken like you always were there

Mary Jane, my secret affair

'Til the last slow drag, I'll find you there