Trapped In the Drive-Thru (Parody of "Trapped In The Closet" by R. Kelly)

Say, "Okay, where ya want to go?"

She says, "How about The Ivy?"

I said, "Yeah, well, I don't know

I don't feel like gettin' all dressed up

And eatin' expensive food"

She's says, "Olive Garden?"

I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood

And Burrito King would make me gassy

There's no doubt"

She says, "Just forget about it"

I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"

Then I get an idea

I say, "I know what we'll do!"

She says, "What?"

I say, "Guess!"

She says "What?"

I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"

So we head out the front door

Open the garage door

Then I open the car doors

And we get in those car doors

Put my key in the ignition

And then I turn it sideways

Then we fasten our seat belts

As we pull out the driveway

Then we drive to the drive-thru

Heading off to the drive-thru

We're approaching the drive-thru

Getting close to the drive-thru

Almost there at the drive-thru

Now we're here at the drive-thru

Here in line at the drive-thru

Did I mention the drive-thru?

Well, here we are

In the drive-thru line, me and her

Cars in front of us, cars in back of us

All just waiting to order

There's some idiot in a Volvo

With his brights on behind me

I lean out the window and scream

"Hey, what you trying to do, blind me?"

My wife says, "Maybe we should park, we could just go eat inside."

I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers

So I ain't leavin' this ride..."

Now a woman on a speaker box

Is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"

I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can

We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."

Then my wife says "Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!

I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time"

I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"

She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for."

I put my head in my hands and scream

"I don't know who you are anymore!"

The voice on the speaker says

"I don't have all day."

I said, "Then take our order and we'll be on our way!

I wanna get a chicken sandwich and I want a cheeseburger too"

She's like, "You want onions on that?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do

Plus we need curly fries

And don't you dare forget it!

And two medium root beers

No, just one, we'll split it."

Then I said "I'm guessin' that you're probably not too bright

So read me back my order

Let's make sure you got it right."

She says "One - you want a chicken sandwich

Two - you want a cheeseburger

Three - curly fries, and a large root beer"

"Stop! Don't go no further!

I never ordered a large root beer

I said medium, not large!"

Then she says, "We're havin' a special

I supersized you at no charge."

"Oh." And that's all

I could say, was "Oh."

And she says, "Now there is somethin' else

That I really think you should know

You can have unlimited refills

For just a quarter more."

I say "Great, except we're in the drive-thru, so what would I want that for?"

Then she says, "Wait a minute

Your voice sounds so familiar... hey, is this Paul?

And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul

Now tell me, who's this Paul?"

She says, "Oh, he's just some guy

Who goes to school with me

I sat behind him last year

And I copied off of him in Geometry."

I said, "I know a guy named Paul

He used to be my plumber

He was prematurely bald

And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer

He also had bladder problems

And a really bad infection on his toe."

And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there

That's way more than I needed to know!"

And then we both were quiet

And things got real intense

Then she says, "Next window, please

That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents!"

So we inched ahead in line

Movin' painfully slow

I got a little bored

So I turned on the radio

Click, turned it off

Because my wife was getting a headache

So we both just sat there quietly for her sake

Then I looked at her

And she looked back at me

And I said, "Um, I think you have somethin' in your teeth."

She turned away from me

And then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"

I said, "Yeah, well, I mean, most of it

But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."

Then she said, "How about now?"

I said, "Yeah, almost

There's still a little bit there, but don't worry

It's probably just a piece of toast."

Now we're at the pay window

Or whatever you call it

Put my hand in my pocket

I can't believe there's no wallet!

And the lady at the window's like

"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty-two."

I turn around to my wife, and say

"How much have you got on you?"

She just rolls her eyes and says

"I'll pay for this, I guess"

So she reaches into her purse

And busts out the American Express

I hand it to the lady

And she says "Oh dear, It's gotta be cash only

We don't take credit cards here."

I took back the card and said

"Gee, really? Well, that sucks."

And that's when I found out

My wife was only carryin' three bucks

I said, "I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today"

She says, "I never got around to it, so where's your wallet anyway?"

And I said, "Never mind, just help me to find some change..."

Now the lady at the window

Is lookin' at me kind of strange

And she says, "Mister, please, we gotta move this line along"

I said, "Now, hold your stinkin' horses, lady!

We won't be long."

So I looked around inside the glove-box

And checked the mat beneath my feet

I found a nickel in an ashtray

And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats

Before long I had a little pile of coins of every sort

The lady counts it up and says

"You're still about a dollar short"

And now my woman's got this weird look

Frozen on her face

She screams, "You know, I wasn't even really hungry in the first place!"

And so I turned around

To the cashier again

I shrugged and said: "Okay, forget the chicken sandwich then"

So I pick up my change

Pick up my receipt

And I drive to the pickup window

Man, I just can't wait to eat

And now we see this acne-ridden kid about sixteen

Wearin' a dorky nametag that says

"Hello, my name is Eugene."

And he hands me a paper bag

I look him in the eyes

And I say to him, "Hey, Eugene, could I get some ketchup for my fries?"

Well, he looks at me

And I look at him

And he looks at me

And I look at him

And he looks it me

And I look at him

And he says, "I'm sorry!

What did you want again?"

I say "Ketchup!"

And he says, "Oh yeah, that's right

I just spaced out there for a second

I'm really kind of burnt tonight."

And then he hands me the ketchup

And now we're finally drivin' away

And the food is drivin' me mad

With its intoxicating bouquet

I'm starvin' to death

By the time we pull up at the traffic light

I say, "Baby, gimme that burger

I just gotta have a bite!"

So she reaches in the bag

And pulls out the burger

And she hands me the burger

And I pick up the burger

And then I unwrap the paper

I bite into those buns

And I just can't believe it

They forgot the onion!