Текст пісні
And it's not just in December! This happens year round!
Last month, I was in a mall. Minding my business, there to do some
Shopping. This guy sees me, he's with his five or six year old kid
He sees me, and he starts walking towards me. And I know that walk
I know that walk. That's the walk of "my kid just said something
I don't know what to do, fuckin' help." That's the walk
And by the way, just so you guys know, I don't get mad when that
Happens. If a kid stares at me, I do not get mad. I understand
That kids are blank slates. They don't have life experience
They haven't... they don't know certain things. They don't know
About dwarfism. They haven't experienced it before. So it's
Perfectly natural for a kid to be out in public, going "ok, that's
Cool, that's cool, that's cool, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HIM?"
Normal. Normal
So the guy walks up to me, and I'm about to talk to the kid to
Let him know what's going on, why am I little, I'm gonna explain
It to him. Before I can start talking, the dad interrupts and
Starts doing his own spin. He looks and goes "You see son, you
See? Just like I told ya. This guy's working undercover for Santa
Claus. He's going around seeing who's naughty and who's nice
And he's gonna go back and report that to Santa. Aren't ya, buddy?"
Then he gives me a little wink, like -click, click
It's like, I don't fucking know you! We didn't plan this out
You expect me to just shuckle and jive and play along with
This shit? You wouldn't do that to other people! You don't
Go up to a black guy during February and be like "He, yeah
You know what he's doing, don't ya? You know, it's February
That's his time!" Then what, the black guy's just gonna smile
And go "You betcha, boss, swing low, sweet chariot..." NO!
I'm pissed off. But, I can't get mad. I can't get mad, 'cause
The kid's there. And that's his first experience with little
People. I can't be all angry for his first experience with
Little people. Then he thinks all little people are angry. Then
He goes to therapy for 15 years, then he cries whenever he sees
A Willy Wonka movie, I don't need that shit on my conscience
So I swallow my pride, and I look at the kid, and I go "
Yeah, your dad's right. I'm an elf. Um... I'm looking to
See who's been naughty, who's been nice, don't worry, you've
Been good. Uh, what do you want for Christmas this year?"
And the kid looks at me with just the most innocent
Eyes I've ever seen, and he goes "Well, if it's
Not too much trouble, I'd really like an Xbox."
And I looked right at his dad, and I went "Well
Guess what, son? This year, you're getting an Xbox."
Now the dad's freaking out, he's like "Woah woah woah, I did not
Agree to this shit!" Guess what? I didn't agree to this shit
Either! But you wanted to make me an elf? Let's play this fucking
Game! What else do you want, little boy? What else do you want?
"What else do you want? Do you want a bike? Santa's hooking you
Up with a Huffy, ok? That's what's happening for you. What else
Do you want? What do you want more than anything in the world?"
The kid looks at me like "I really want
Mommy and daddy to get back together."
"Santa's gonna send daddy to rehab, alright? That's what
He's gonna do. Dad's gonna go to rehab, get his life
Together, stop blowing guys in the men's bathroom
Ok? That's what he's gonna do. It's all gonna be good."
At this point, I'm feeling really happy with myself. I start
Running around the mall, giving shit out to other kids, like Oprah
Like "You get an Xbox! You get an Xbox! Everybody gets an Xbox!"
I had so many kids following me, Penn
State offered me an assistant coaching job
Yeah! Yeah!
I love doing that joke. Some of you guys laugh, some
Of you are like "Uhhhh... too soon, Brad, too soon!"
Listen, if Penn State doesn't want me making fun of them, it's real
Easy to get me to stop. Don't fuck kids. That's all you gotta do
It's not hard! We all did it today, we all walked by a kid at some
Point, went "Hey look, there's a kid! I'm not gonna fuck him."
By the way, if you're not laughing at
That joke, you want to fuck a kid