The Vote Tory Rap (UK General Election)

Yo

UK General Election 2024

And the Conservatives need your votes

Especially young people

Which is why I am imploring you to vote Conservative

Through the medium of hip hop

I am a Tory gangsta rapper from west London

My name is MC Hammersmith

Straight outta Brompton

Thank the po-lice

Shoutout Michael Gove

Listen, yo, yo

General Election, a time for upheaval

And finally, a rapper who speaks for the people

I'm the one and only Conservative MC

Who puts the Tory into Notorious BIG

Voting Tory means voting equality

Which is evident in all of their policies

So let me rap for you voters with passion

Their pledges which - legally - don't have to happen

They'll get the economy moving for sure

Helping taxpayers, and those who choose to be poor

The Tories are the best economists in town

Look at this graph: inflation's going down!

Tories know health is a priority

Which is why they spent ten billion pounds on PPE

Their pledges are sensible, that is their purpose

Hence popular policies like national service

They'll take the youth of society

And give assault rifles to a Gen Z military

A generation famed for their lack of anxiety,

Their civil obedience, and mental stability

Transport and schools will have funding bestowed

Which have suffered recently due to... nobody knows

All policies backed by Conservative favourites

Who've earned your trust! And never betrayed it

Like Matt Hancock, who tried his best, be nice

Yes he broke the laws he wrote and and cheated on his wife

And caused thousands to die in care residences

But thanks to him, I now know what dyslexia is

And Boris Johnson, yeah, look, we get it,

But it's tough to be Prime Minister during a pandemic

Well, I imagine, no-one else has ever done it, yes

But I don't need comparisons to know he tried his bloody best

He's not an adulterer - he's just a shagger!

He's not a racist - he just wants reform!

We all make mistakes, I'd vote for him again

And he didn't hide in that fridge... he was just warm

Brits love a jokester who speaks candidly

The Tories have characters with personality

When we win this election opposing predictions

We'll party like it's Christmas! In Covid restrictio-

The Tories are a party of equality and stature

We installed the first lady leader since Thatcher

Theresa May defied the European propaganda

She didn't change her mind or switch positions or meander

Yes she caused Windrush, but now we know the answer

Deporting them was wrong: we should have sent them to Rwanda

And if to voting Tory you are still averse

Look, the alternative's worse! Labour will

Bankrupt the country!... like Liz Truss did

They'll raise mortgage rates!... like Liz Truss did

Er, they'll crash the pound!... like Liz Truss d- okay

You know what, actually... forget Liz Truss

Labour's just a party lacking calibre and vision

With its cluelessness and history of antisemitism

The Tories can't be antisemitic, when it's recognised

They've sent like half a billion pounds to finance Israel's genoci-

Defence operation!

Sorry

Defence operation!

Are you sure?

Really?

I mean even I can see that

They're beheading kids!

Okay if you say so

Defence operation!

If we're being honest, in the last 14 years

Certain problems in the British Isles have appeared

Cost of living crisis, health inequalities

Seven hundred thousand more kids live in poverty

Shortage of housing, national debt's greater

NHS waiting lists have tripled since Labour

Food banks, austerity, no hopes or glories

And who's to blame?

Illegal immigrants!

These foreigners handsomely feed

They receive housing benefits and rapidly breed

There's no space for immigrants' children as well

I agree Suella Braverman and Priti Patel

But being British is about getting on

Being proud of this country wherever you're from

Tories want a Britain that's equal through and through

For people of colour, and normal people too

Speaking of which, the Equality Act

If you've met a trans woman - which I never have

You'll know they don't experience violence or hate

Put them in men's prisons, they'll be perfectly safe

And the NHS currently says it's on its knees

Due to funding cuts - er, financial squeeze

Hundreds die weekly because of this climate

But they could have lived - if they'd gone private

Thousands of criminals are walking our streets

Violent extremists at war with the police

A scourge on this country that spitefully festers

Knife Crime? Worse. Climate protesters

Eco-terrorists are the cause of divisions

Hence rising bills and our soaring emissions

Nothing to do with the fact the Conservatives

Cut insulation and blighted suppliers and

Deregulated the energy market and

Pocketed millions from climate deniers

Look, let's try not to dwell

Cos the Tories gave us Brexit which has gone really well

And if you want proof that the future looks sweeter

Let's turn to our fearless and really tall leader

Sunak's the best! I adore the guy's philosophy

The Toriest of Tories with a Tory ideology

A principled conservative whose values are unfettered

Dishy Rishi's true and blue, I've read his voting record:

He supports a lower income tax for higher earners

Israel and Brexit and restrictive rights for workers

Clamping down on picket lines and benefit dependents

And obviously any whiff of Scottish independence

He doesn't want to scrap this country's nuclear defence

Or cap the banker's bonuses or private housing rents

He's very gender-critical and that is just for starters,

So don't - oh no wait, this is Keir Starmer's

Look, the point is, the Tories aren't desperate

There's... tax cuts! For all the electorate!

On stamp duty, child care, and National Insurance

Funded by errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So July 4th, go stand in line

And Vote Conservative - 'cos everything's fine!

And if you're not convinced, I'll make a promise

It'll be different this time you guys

Honest

I think that went well

What was that?

What do you mean I'm not getting paid?

Not a legitimate campaign expense - my father shall hear about this!

Yes he's Jacob Rees-Mogg