Getting Married Today

Bless this day, pinnacle of joy

Boy unites with boy

The heart leaps up to behold

This golden day

Today is for Jamie

Jamie, I give you the rest of my days

To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever

Today is for Jamie

My lover, my partner, my life

Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there

I wanna thank you all for coming to the wedding

I'd appreciate your going even more

I mean, you must have lots of better things to do

And not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know

The man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not

Because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is

But I thank you all for the gifts and the flowers

Thank you all, now it's back to the showers

Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Bless this day, opposite of joy

Boy gets yoked to boy

The heart sinks down and feels dead

This dreadful day

Listen, everybody, look

I don't know what you're waiting for, a wedding?

What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual

Where everybody promises fidelity forever

Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of

Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's

Saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, like he should so listen

Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married

Go have brunch, 'cause I'm not getting married

You've been grand, but I'm not getting married

Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married

And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Go, can't you go? Why is nobody listening?

Goodbye, go and cry at some other person's wake

If you're quick, for a kick, you could pick up a christening

But please, on my knee, there's a human life at stake

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear

Do you wanna see a crazy person fall apart in front of you?

It isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life

You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities

I telephoned my shrink, and he said maybe I should come and see him, Monday

But by Monday, I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage

I'm not well, so I'm not getting married

You've been swell, but I'm not getting married

Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married

Thank you all, but I'm not getting married

And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Bless this fool, totally insane

Slipping down the drain

And bless this day in our hearts

As it starts to rain

Today is for Jamie (go, can't you go?)

Look, you know I adore you all (Jamie, I give you)

But why watch me die (the rest of my life) when I'm only being nice?

Look, perhaps I'll collapse (to cherish and to keep you)

In the apse right before you all (to honor you forever)

So take back the cake

Burn the shoes, and boil the rice (today is for Jamie)

Look, I didn't want to have to tell you

But I may be coming down with hepatitis (my lover, my partner, my life)

And I'm feeling kinda faint

So if you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily

But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral? (For the rest of my life)

So thank you for the 27 dinner plates

37 salad bowls, 47 picture frames, 57 candleholders

One more thing (I am not getting married) (amen!)

(Softly said) but I'm not getting married (amen)

(With this ring) still, I'm not getting married (amen)

(I thee wed) still, I'm not getting married (amen)

Let us pray that we are not getting married today (amen)