The Sweater

Girls,

I know you will understand this

and feel the intrinsic incredible emotion

You have just pulled over your head the worn,

warm sweater belonging to a boy

Now, you haven't had a passionate kissing session or anything,

but you got to go on a camping trip with him

and eight other people from school

And you practically slept together,

your sleeping bag right next to his

And you woke in the night to watch him as he slept

but you couldn't see anything 'cause it was dark

so you just laid there and listened to his breathing

and wondered if your heart might burst

The sweater has that slightly goat-like smell

which all teenage boys possess,

and that smell will lovingly transfer

to all your other clothes

If you get to keep it for a few days you can sleep with it

but don't let your mom see, 'cause she'll say,

"what is that filthy thing, and who does it belong to

besides the trash man?"

So you have to keep it under the covers with you

You can kind of lie it beside you,

or wrap it around your waist,

or touch it on your legs, or whatever

That's your business

Now if the sweater has, like, reindeer on it

or is a funny color like yellow... I'm sorry,

you can't get away with a sweater like that

Look for brown, or grey, or blue

Anything other than that, and you know you're dealing with

someone who's different

And different is NOT what you're looking for

You're looking for those Alpine ski-chiseled features

and that sort of blank look which passes for deep thought

or at least the notion that someone's home

You're looking for the boy of your dreams

who is the same boy in the dreams of all your friends

Now the sweater isn't going to fit you of course,

you have to kinda roll up the sleeves in a jaunty way

Saying "this is the sweater belonging to a boy and

the boy is a genuine hunka-hunka burning love and

is not just some hand-me-down from your

brother or father"

Monday, wear the sweater to school

Be calm, look cute

Don't tell him about the dream you had

about the place the two of you would share

when you get older

Just be yourself

The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself

Definitely wear lip gloss

He looks at you, and then he looks away

And then he walks away

and the smell of the sweater hits you again suddenly

like ape-scent gloriola

and you get a note passed to you

by a girl in History that says

"He needs that sweater back.

He forgot you put it on in the tent on Saturday

and he's been looking for it."

And you don't have to die of humiliation, you know

You are a strong person

and this is a learning experience

You can still hold your head up high as you run from the classroom

tearing the stinking sweater from your body.

You look at that sweater

carefully

and you realize that love made you temporarely blind.

You've got a secret now, honey,

and though you'd never sink as low as him,

you could blab it all over the school if you wanted

The label in that sweater

said "100% Acrylic"