I Accidentally Joined a Cult (But the Snacks Were Good)

I thought it was yoga, turns out it was fate

They handed me robes and a gluten-free plate

Said "Welcome, new vessel," I said "I'm just Frank"

They bowed to a toaster and offered me a tank

Now I chant in Latin while doing squats

My Fitbit thinks I've ascended to the gods

I accidentally joined a cult

But the snacks were good, so I stayed

They worship a squirrel named Greg

And Tuesdays are for parades

I asked for directions, they gave me a robe

Now I'm the treasurer of their sacred abode

I accidentally joined a cult

And I might be thriving, bro

I accidentally joined a cult

But the snacks were good, so I stayed

They've got a mascot that's just a chair

It speaks in riddles and smells like despair

We meditate by screaming into jars

And rate each other's auras with emoji stars

I tried to escape but they gave me a raise

Now I lead seminars on "Quantum Haze"

I accidentally joined a cult

But the snacks were good, so I stayed

They've got a theme song in Morse code

And a llama named Dwayne

I asked for a refund, they gave me a hug

Now I'm the prophet of their ceremonial rug

I accidentally joined a cult

And I might be thriving, bro

I accidentally joined a cult

But the snacks were good, so I stayed

They say enlightenment's just a vibe

And taxes are a social bribe

We built a shrine to a broken fan

And held a wedding for a frying pan

I accidentally joined a cult

But now I've come to see

No snack's worth losing your mind

Or your identity

They smiled too wide, they clapped too long

And deep down I knew it felt all wrong

I accidentally joined a cult

But I finally broke free

I accidentally joined a cult

But the snacks were good, so I stayed

I accidentally joined a cult

But the snacks were good, so I stayed