Who Else (Behind the Song)

Yeah so maybe I haven't been honest with myself

Or maybe this was just the most

Exposing, overwhelming season ever, or both

But I don't think I have ever been more angry at God

Than I have been in the last couple of years

Like really and

I mean I think back on when dad was on hospice

And the nurses coming daily and checking him

And kind of giving us like, "Okay it looks like

You know, in the next couple days

Or in the next week" or whatever

There've been so much pain

So much horrific pain

And there was a morning she came and she

And you know, she said, "It could be two more weeks

It could be three more weeks"

And there was just this crashing feeling

I think in all of us

Because it felt like

We barely have strength to hang on today

And death, I mean death is so

Wrong and so heavy and so

It just takes such a long time I guess

Longer than I thought and

Just, we left the house and I was so angry at God

So angry at Him as I saw my mom

Just persevering through those days and

Then in the days to follow

There was the piling on of other hard things

And really, honestly in those moments

There's really no choice in the matter

Like, "I think I will not be angry"

I was just angry, no choice

And not really angry at a disease

Not angry at a doctor

Not angry at other flawed humans in my life who are grieving

I was angry at God because He's the One in charge

And He wasn't stopping anything

Pulling any punches

And I think as a Jesus follower

As someone who grew up as least in the western church

There's a reflex to like quickly, like, diffuse that anger

So I think was faced with the decision

Of the options of, "Am I going to tie a bow on this?"

And really be fake

And it would kind of result in

Not having a relationship with God