Zen

I remembered my grandmother

And the little zen garden she kept

I remembered the way she'd take my hands

And teach me how to rack the sands

Until the surface laid as still as the face

Of a sleeping pond

I wanted this–

Approaching thirty years of age

I wanted a zen garden between the ears–

I wanted a mind

As smooth

And as soft

And as calm as indiana

Cloaked in snow–

Shortly after autumn

The skies presiding over indiana

Would spit out snow

And the flakes would melt

The moment they touched the ground

Like an ice cube cradled

In sun-warmed hands

And I'd ask my mother

How come the snow wouldn't stick?

And she would say

The soil hadn't the chance to run cold

And challenging her wisdom

I'd head outside

And bury my hands

In the grass

Running my fingers

Through that mess of green hair

Only to feel a faint whisper

Of warmth clinging to the earth

Like the memory of a feeling

Of a fire that had burned

For hours

Once upon a time

Yeah–I remembered my grandmother

And I remembered the little zen garden she kept

All my life

I had reached outwards

Towards money to find worth

Towards notoriety to find meaning

Towards drugs to find distraction

Towards women to find pardon

From my shame

Exhausted and empty-handed

I finally found the courage

To reach inward

And to hold the hand

Inside my chest

To tend to the wounds

I had endured as a child

I swept that scared

Trembling kid into my arms

And I told him everything

Was going to be alright

I lied to him

I lied to him

I lied to him

Until he and I believed it

And as he heaved, our pain

An unrelenting storm, I looked up

From our suffering

And I saw not a world of

Men and women

But hurt children

Who had grown old

And when the mourning

Gave way to grace

And that child could stand

On his own two feet

We walked quietly

So quietly

To the bank of the garden

Raking still the footsteps

Left behind by our departure

And we stood, hand-in-hand

Watching the sun cast

A single shadow on the sand

Of a lost boy

Now a broken man

Just trying to find his way

Back home