Master Of The House

Welcome, monsieur

Sit yourself down

And meet the best

Innkeeper in town

As for the rest

All of them crooks

Rooking their guests

And cooking the books

Seldom do you see

Honest men like me

A gent of good intent

Who's content to be

Master of the house

Doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake

And an open palm

Tells a saucy tale

Makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do me friends a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house

Keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em

Of a sou or two

I'm watering the wine

Making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks

When I can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Jesus! Damn, I'll bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperon

But lock up your valises

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter, monsieur

Lay down your load

Unlace your boots

And rest from the road

This weighs a ton

Travel's a curse

But here we strive

To lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked

Here the fat is fried

And nothing's overlooked

'Til I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare

Food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer

And pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse

Liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages

With this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice

Extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice

There a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are lots of tricks he knows

How it all increases

All those bits and pieces

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Gives 'em everything he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers

Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

I used to dream

That I would meet a prince

But God Almighty

Have you seen what's happened since?

'Master of the house?'

Isn't worth me spit!

'Comforter, philosopher'

And lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain

Regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover

But there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature

Landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted

Living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house

(Master and a half!)

Comforter, philosopher

(Don't make me laugh!)

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

(Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!)

Everybody bless the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!

(Everybody raise a glass)

(Raise it up the master's arse)

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!