What If This Kills Me

Yeah...

You always said I could handle anything life threw my way.

But what do I do when life takes you away?

I remember you sayin', "Baby, you gon' shine someday,"

Now I'm drownin' in the dark, tryna find some way.

People ask how I been - I just lie, say "good,"

But they'll never understand how it feels to lose your heart for good.

I been numb, I been tired, I been talkin' to the sky,

Ask God, "Why her? Why not me? Why she die?"

They say pain's a part of growin', but I ain't growin' - I'm breakin',

Every breath I take, feel like it's barely worth takin'.

What if I can't find the strength to keep pushing?

What if I break down, and they all just lookin'?

What if this pain don't fade but just builds me?

Or what if it don't... what if this kills me?

I been tryna fake a smile, but it feels weak,

Tellin' everybody "I'm fine," but I still bleed.

Mama, I swear I been prayin' you can still see-

If this don't make me stronger... what if it kills me?

I got so many questions left I can't ask,

Like who am I now that you ain't comin' back?

What happens when I don't know what to do,

Who do I call, when the only one I trust was you?

I miss the way you'd call me after work, just to check in,

Tell me "Don't stress, baby, take a deep breath again."

Now the phone don't ring, it's just silence and space,

I scroll through your messages - can't erase your name.

And my birthday's comin' up - that one's gonna sting,

No more off-key "Happy Birthday" that used to make me grin.

This'll be the first one you don't sing to me,

And I'd give everything to hear that melody.

I'm thirty-three, but I feel like a kid,

'Cause I lost both my parents, and I don't know how to live.

Too young for this pain, too old to pretend,

I'm scared I'll never feel whole again.

What if I can't find the strength to keep pushing?

What if I break down, and they all just lookin'?

What if this pain don't fade but just builds me?

Or what if it don't... what if this kills me?

Mama, I'm lost, I'm tired, I'm empty,

Prayin' for a sign that you still with me.

And if I don't make it, please forgive me,

I tried to be strong... but this might kill me.

I been beggin' for your guidance, Mama, talk to me please,

I can't sleep at night, I just drop to my knees.

If heaven got a phone, I'd call every day,

Just to ask you how to make this pain go away.

I keep thinkin' maybe you'll show up in a dream,

Say the words I need, calm the storm in me.

But all I get is silence and flashbacks and tears,

And a voice in my head sayin', "You're still here."

I'm lost, I'm scared, I don't know what to do,

Half of me died the day I lost you.

You were my home, now I'm homeless in my soul,

Tryna fill the void, but it's takin' a toll.

I wish I could hold you, tell you I'm proud,

Tell you your baby still tryin', still talkin' out loud.

They say you're watchin' me from above, but I can't feel it,

And I'd trade heaven itself just to hear your spirit.

What if I can't find the strength to keep pushing?

What if I break down, and they all just lookin'?

What if this pain don't fade but just builds me?

Or what if it don't... what if this kills me?

Mama, I just want your voice to heal me,

Just one more hug - that's all I'm needing.

And if I don't make it, please believe me,

I tried my best... but this might kill me.

I love you, Ma...

You said I'd be strong...

But I don't feel strong without you.