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Anybody here into funny cars? You like funny cars? All right, I had a
Funny car. '74 Gremlin with four different size tires. I tell ya
People seen it, thought it was hilarious. I think NASCAR oughta pull
A page out from golf and spruce it up a little bit. Get the older
Folks back out on the track, have a senior circuit. The Maalox 100
Everybody driving around with their blinker on, looking for a Cracker
Barrel to stop and eat at out there. That'd be nice. There's Rusty
Wallace in the can't-go-number-two Exlax Ford out there, coming in
For an oil change and a prostate check. I think the cool thing about
NASCAR is though, if you got enough money you can sponsor and name
Any race you want. That's pretty fan-friendly right there. And that's
Gonna happen one day too, you watch. Some old redneck gonna win the
Lottery, gonna be pissed off at his neighbor, turn on ESPN, they'll
Be like, "Don't forget tomorrow night, we're gonna bring you the My
Buddy Darryl's a Big Fat Lazy Piece of Crap 400 right here on ESPN
Check that out." My favorite NASCAR race, about three years ago, Mark
Martin lost that race by that much. And I'm gonna tell you something
I love Mark Martin, he's a good dude. And uh, a great kisser. And let
Me say this, let me say this, but he lost the race by that much
Which really stinks, 'cause if he'd have stayed in his Viagra car
He'd have won by like that much. That was a bad mistake right there
Had somebody here take me Viagra. What, now people getting hooked on
That, people don't even need it. I don't know why they use Viagra
Like, they shouldn't be able to buy it. My nephew's on Viagra
Pissing me off. Seventeen years old, you believe that? He ain't got
No sexual problems, he's just real skinny, and he said the boner
Helps keep his pants up. All right, I tell ya, Viagra. My grandpa was
On Viagra just to keep his hopes up. I got a buddy of mine's an
Herbalist, and he's real tiny down there, but he don't like drugs or
Nothing. So he put some Miracle Gro on there and, he's still tiny and
Now he's got an ass full of thistles. But I, I don't need Viagra
Though. My problem is I'm too quick, that's my problem. I'm too fast
My wife get mad at me thirty seconds in, I'm done. She's like, "Good
Lord, think about baseball, think about baseball." I screwed that up
And thought about softball. But I'm too sensitive. She got me some
Desensitizing cream. A lot of good that done. I put that on and the
Next morning I told her her cooking sucked and I hated her mom. But
They got that stuff everywhere. Male enhancement's what they call
That. And it irritates me, male enhancement. If you using it, you
Getting ripped off, that's all I know. 'Cause I seen some at the
Grocery store for seven bucks. I'm like, "Seven bucks?!" So I read
The directions. You know what the directions said for seven bucks?
"Squirt this on the palm of your hand, rub it on vigorously, and
You'll get larger." No kidding. How many years of scientific research
Went on into that product right there? Seven bucks. I'll save you
Some money, use Cool Whip, all right? It'll have the same effect
Just make sure you're done with dessert first though, all right? '
Cause that wouldn't be good. Boy, that was some good pumpkin pie
And some of that stuff you need a prescription for, and I ain't going
To no doctor for no problem like that. I'd be there, rather be caught
On the internet pooping in a pair of plastic shorts than do something
Like that. Not that I've done that, all right? I'm just saying. But
I hate the doctor. You go in there, spend all this money, you still
Feel the same way. I spent twenty-five hundred dollars at a doctor
One time, thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome. Turns out I'm just
Real lazy. They wanted to sell me this clean-out thing also. Five
Hundred dollars, you drink that, it'll clean out your system. Five
Hundred dollars? I can clean out my system with three White Castles
And a Mountain Dew, for God's sake. I don't need that. Five hundred
That's three dollars and twenty-five cents right there. They ripping
Me off. Tell you why else I hate going to the doctor. 'Cause you
Always gotta sit in the waiting room next to some dirtbag got some
Weird disease, you don't know what the hell they got. They hacking
Everywhere, then they wanna be your best friend for twenty minutes
"How you doing, I'm Jimmy." "Get the hell away from me, Jimmy
Good lord. You're getting your leprosy on me, for God's sake."
But I had to go to the doctor a while back. Uh, I was freaking out
I really was. I felt a little lump right there. And I'm like, "
Oh, damn, I got nut cancer, I'm dead," right? So, so, I go to the
Doctor. Sure enough, I sit next to the woman, there was a woman in
There got crabs so dadgum bad. Oh, they had to call in the fellas
From the Deadliest Catch to figure this out on this girl in here
It was horrible. It was horrible. So she's there, I'm freaked out
I got a little lump here, I'm like, "I'm dead." And uh, turns out
I was fine, it was my penis. I had no idea, you know what I mean?
I didn't, it had never sat in that direction before, it really
Hadn't. I didn't know what it was. But while I'm in there, the
Doctor had a magazine in there. So I was reading the magazine, and
The cover of the magazine said, "The six sex mistakes men make while
Lovemaking." And I'm going "Good lord, that's almost two a minute!"