The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the pad

We were all sacked out, especially old Dad

He came floating in at a quarter past four

And he passed out cold on the living room floor

The children were sleeping as if they were dead

We had slipped 'em a Mickey and put 'em to bed

While stuffing the turkey from Mother we heard

"Hold still or I'll kill you, you dirty old bird"

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

And oh, what a terrible smell filled the air

When all of a sudden the door opened wide

And a fat old cat came a-walking inside

With a beard like a hippie and a crazy red suit

And a sack on his back filled with all kinds of loot

"I'd have come down the chimney," said jolly St. Nick

"But I just had my suit cleaned and I gotta look slick

So I'll fill up the stockings and then hurry on

'Cause I left my sleigh in a no parking zone"

Well, he brought Ma a new girdle and he said with a smile

"Well, Ma, I guess that oughta hold you a while

And Pa, you'll get a present, you'll get it as soon

As I find out just how you gift wrap a saloon

And for all the kiddies, you'll love what I found

It's a rock and roll record without any sound"

Then Santa said, "Folks, that's about it

I got places to go so I gotta split

But I sure am weary from toting this load

So before I go I'll have one for the road"

So we broke out the booze and we all had a blast

And the next thing we knew old Santa was gassed

Then Santa said, "Folks, I'll just stay here I think

'Cause I can't drive them reindeer whenever I drink

So let's have another, a shot and a beer

And have a Yule that's cool and a crazy New Year"