Don't Count on Me

Whenever you're in need or just feeling down

Remember that I'm probably on tour in a different town

If you're in a bind or feeling against a wall

Please don't make me one of the first people that you call

And I mean this very sincere-ioushly

Don't count on me

'Cause I'm the worst

If I'm there it'll be a surprise

To so many other friends that I'd call first

It's not that I don't care

I just don't care very much

Because I'm either on the spectrum or just plain out of touch

That's who I am

That's what I do

I could change if I wanted to

But I don't

But if you really (but if you really)

Need someone to count on (need someone to count on)

To bring you stress

To extinguish happiness

And anxiety and duress

You can always count on me

'Cause I'm chalant, I'm inspiteful

I am bendable, anti-pliable

I'm a cockroach in a salad

I'm in invalid, not invalid

I'm an empty diary

As useful as a college degree

I put the 'emo' in chemotherapy

So if you ever really need some one to be there

Don't count on me

I'm just a clown

I'm gonna wind you up

I'm gonna cheer you down

I made the choice to accept what people think of me

I'll be your whipping boy or your friendly effigy

I'll even go down for the count

Down count on me

I don't

I was born in the beginning so I won't be there in the end

So feel free to call me friendly

Just please don't call me friend

After 30 years I'm still the new guy

Sometimes guitaring feels like work

When I feel like Chekhov or Sulu

And Fatty's Captain Kirk

I think he's the punk rock William Shatner

I can see the similarity

His clothes are too tight

He's out of touch and lacks sensitivity

Don't look at me like you're in shock

Smelly is our Richard

He sure ain't Mr Spock

And Melvin is a Klingon

Look they got the same shaped face

And I'm Sorry to tell you, Jefe

But in the future there's still no Mexicans in space

So don't count on me

Cause I couldn't be prouder the coke I shared with you

Was just crank and baby powder

Just like Cokie The Clown

I'm gonna wind you up, I'm gonna cheer you down

Cause this is what I consider fun

Making you think the summer's already done

So don't count on me

Don't count on me