The Alice's Restaurant Multi-Colored Rainbow Roach Affair

This song is called "Alice's Restaurant"

It's about Alice and her restaurant

But "Alice's Restaurant" is not the name of the restaurant

It's just the name of the song and that's why I called the song "Alice's Restaurant"

Now, y'all know the chorus, so I don't have to sing it right now

But the version of "Alice's restaurant," that I'm gonna sing right now is called

"The Alice's Restaurant Multi-Colored Rainbow Roach Affair"

Otherwise known as "The Spy-Tangler"

We'll just wait for it to come around

It all started one day, when a Russian scientist by the name of Max

Was havin' a cup of coffee and a hamburger at Alice's restaurant

Now, Max was just sittin' there, eatin' on his hamburger and havin' a wonderful time

Yes, friends, and drinkin' on his cup of coffee and everything was just wonderful

Until Max looked up on the wall in front of him and there

There, on the wall, there!

Max spotted a multi-colored rainbow roach so beautiful

Max immediately put it into his emergency plastic baggy

He brought it back to New York City

Took the first boat to Moscow, where five of Russia's leading scientists

Studied the multi-colored rainbow roach for possible use in atomic warfare

Meanwhile, back at Alice's restaurant, Sam, a Chinese scientist

Was having a Coca-Cola and a Frankfurter at Alice's restaurant

He was just sitting out there, chompin' on his Frankfurter, lookin' around

He was off-duty, nothin' was happenin'

He looked upon the wall and there, there again!

There! On the wall! Was another perfect example of the multi-colored rainbow roach!

Yes, friends, Sam immediately put it into his emergency plastic baggy

Was brought back to New York City, took the first boat to Red China

Where five of Red China's leading scientists

Studied the multi-colored rainbow roach for possible use in atomic warfare

Meanwhile, back at the, back at the ranch

Lyndon, hearing of the disappearing multi-colored rainbow roaches

From Alice's restaurant, is getting very uptight

He immediately sent up a squad of men to investigate

The scene of the disappearing multi-colored rainbow roaches

They walked in and sat down on the stools and turned around a few times on

See how fast they could go around

They looked on the wall, but there was nothing there

They looked on the doors, on the ceiling, on the floor and on the wall

All kinds of walls, floors, ceilings, they didn't see nothin'

But, friends, they sat down, disgusted, started drinkin' their cups of coffee

But there, floating on the top of the coffee

Was not one, but two multi-colored rainbow roaches

Sittin' there, in the coffee, just floatin' around!

They were immediately put into a compartmentalized plastic baggy

And brought back to the White House

Where they were put under an intense investigation for possible use in defense

Meanwhile, back at Alice's restaurant, yes, friends, Max was back

The Russian scientist was studyin' Alice's restaurant

Tryna find more multi-colored rainbow roaches to be brought into the Communist country

Max looked around on the walls, the ceilings

He looked in the first corner, in the second corner, in the third corner, but there, by the door

There, by the door! In full glory and rainbow colors, was not one, not two or three

But, but four multi-colored rainbow roaches! And it was a great day for Russia!

Yes, friends, the multi-colored rainbow roaches were brought back and it was a fantastic day!

There was now one multi-colored rainbow roach for each of the five studying scientists

It was a great day, but meanwhile, back at Alice's restaurant, Sam was snoopin' around

Yes, friends, he was sittin' down, havin' another Coca-Cola

And there, in the same corner that Max found the four multi-colored rainbow roaches

There was another four multi-colored rainbow roaches, just sittin' there, waitin' for Sam!

And Sam picked them up immediately and brought them back

And brought them back to Red China, where there was now one roach

For each of the five studying scientists in Red China

It was a terrible day for the United States

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lyndon was disgustin', bustin', couldn't be trustin'

Sittin' around, yes, friends, there was a total of ten multi-colored rainbow roaches

In foreign hands, foreign hands! Foreign hands!

Another investigating king was sent up to the scene of the Alice's restaurant massacree

Yes, they walked in, they sat down, they looked in all the corners

All the, all the walls, doors, entrances, tables and chairs, they walked around

They had even ordered cups of coffee and looked in the coffee, but there was nothin'

I'm sayin' that there was nothin', in Alice's restaurant

There was no more multi-colored rainbow roaches to be seen

It was a terrible day for the American people

They sat down, disgusted

They put their feet upon the big iron bar at the bottom of the counter

But the big iron bar didn't feel like the big iron bar! It was soft! They looked down and there, there!

There was not one multicolored rainbow roach, or two, or three, or four, or five

Or any n- fascimentesimal amount

There was the most huge, there was the most giant ganthus!

There was the most fantastic multi-colored rainbow roach

Ever envisioned upon by the human race!

There was a four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach!

It was a great day for the American people!

Yes, friends, there was the biggest, most gigantus multi-colored rainbow roach

Ever to be seen by the- anybody in the world! Ever to be inve-

It was a four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach

A four-by-five foot roach, and you know what kinda joy that musta been

But it was just a roach, sittin' there on the floor!

A Hertz-rented truck was immediately called from around the corner

And a four-by-five foot plastic baggy was immediately brought into the scene

And the baggy was put in the roach and the roach was put into plastic baggy

And the baggy was put into back of the Hertz-rented truck and

It was immediately brought to the White House, where it was under intense investigation

All the generals were called around, all the latent people in the United States

Yes, friends, they were called at the scene of the multi-colored rainbow roach

And they sat around, they wonderin' what they're gonna do with it

And all kinds of things that they were gonna do

And it was McNamara, who accidentally spilled his coffee

He spilled his coffee onto the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach

And it was Humphrey, who immediately wiped it up with his napkin

And without thinking, wiped his lips with the napkin that he had just wiped the roach with

And it tasted good

So, he took off his fingerpick

And he started getting licks off the four-by-five-foot multi-colored rainbow roach!

And then they all started doin' it, except for Lyndon

He was chompin' on it

But meanwhile, back in China, experiments were being made

Yes, friends, experiments were being made about how to make, how to produce a f-

How to produce a multi-colored rainbow roach 50 megaton bomb

The problem was, how to get the roach into the bomb

They couldn't just sit it on there, 'cause it'd fall off!

And they couldn't nail it to the bomb, 'cause the bomb would explode

And they couldn't put it in the bomb, 'cause the bomb was already made

And they couldn't take it apart without it explodin'!

And they couldn't glue it, 'cause the glue would melt

There was nothin' to do but Scotch-tape it

To the nose of the missile, where the bomb was kept

Yes, friends, there was one thought of a multi-colored rainbow roach

Which was Scotch-taped to a 50 megaton bomb, and the bomb was sent into orbit

And it went around, it went up into the air!

And it went fantastic speeds, it was flying around

Everything was happening with fantastic array and the bomb exploded!

In the air and all the fragments came fallin' around!

And it fragmentated, and all the fragments were going toward the Earth

At such a fantastic speed, that the fragments turned into a gaseous form!

A big, blue, kinda loud!

And, friends, within 25 miles where the bomb exploded

Within a 25-mile radius, people were stoned

Standin' there, sit- lyin' there, stoned! They couldn't move

It was a great success

For the bombers and the guys, who got bombed, it was wonderful for everybody!

Meanwhile, back in Russia, another experiment was being made

Yes, friends, as a matter of fact, it was the same experiment

Another multi-colored rainbow roach was Scotch-taped to the nose of a huge missile

Which went up to the air, exploded, and the fragmentations came down

In such a fantastic speed that they came into a gaseous form

The gaseous blue cloud hovered over 25 miles of the air that it exploded in

Within that 25 mile radius, people were stoned

Meanwhile, back at the White House

Things were goin' bad

They were all sittin' around the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach

Still lickin' and chompin' on it and, friends, some kinda defense plan had to be made

And it was Lyndon, who came up with the grooviest defense plan you ever thought about

Yes, two thousand and two hundred and two Betsy Rosses

Were called to the White House lawn

And there, they made the biggest blanket that you ever saw

They made a blanket not as big as the White House

Not as big as Washington DC or the East Coast or the West Coast

Or the Midwest or any West Coast East-Mid-West

They made a blanket so big, that it covered the whole North American continent!

Includin' Alaska and Hawaii, and 12 miles around each border

Yes, friends, it was a huge blanket!

And on one side of the blanket was a picture of the United States

And on one side of the other blanket was a picture of the sky

And the blanket was rolled across the Heavens

And held up there by the winds and jet air-forced planes

And nobody knew that it was there

'Cause lookin' up from under it, it looked like the sky

And lookin' down from over it just looked like the United States

It was the greatest facade ever produced by the United States

And, friends, it was that terrible day

Yes, one week ago! And many of you may not know it

It was one week ago that somebody pushed the button

Nobody knows who! Or what button

But they know somebody pushed it

Because from miles around came multi-colored rainbow roach bombs

Yes, friends, the biggest ever fantasized by the Earth!

They would come onto earth, Philadelphia Boston, New York

Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, Detroit and all kinds of areas assorted by cities

They were comin' around everywhere

And just about as they got over their cities

And were about to explode and a fragmentation of fragments went out!

And before the fragments could turn into a gaseous form, they got caught in the blanket

And all the blanket was rolled up across the country!

And the fragments was dumped out on the White House lawn

Where they were put into little bottles, marked according to what kinda fragments it was!

Russian Red, Chinese Yellow, Portuguese Polka Dot, and all kinds of fragments

And I wanna tell you, that three days ago

And I know, that you're sittin' in audience right now, probably wonderin' what's happenin'

I'm gonna tell you what's happenin'

Yeah, friends, three days ago all the fragments were put into a big satellite

And that satellite, right now, is hurdlin' itself around the entire world

With all the fragments, except the four-by-f-

Oh, except the remains of a four-by-five-foot multi-colored rainbow roach

Nobody knows, what happened to the other two

But information has it, that the Birds were at it

Yeah, they was Luci Bird, Lynda Bird and all birds, sittin' around there, sniffin' the air

But nobody's quite sure

But sufficed to say, that the remains of all the multi-colored rainbow roaches

Are now in the satellite, hurdlin' itself around the United Sates

And the remains of the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach is now

Scotch-taped to an American missile, which, in the event of a Third World War

Will hurl itself toward the satellite, and both the four-by-five foot

Multi-colored rainbow roaches and all the fragments and all the other roaches

Will come down on the Earth, and be carried by the foreign winds

And stone everybody in the whole world!

And the only reason I'm singin' here this song tonight

Is 'cause, to tell you, when you get the feelin' that the Third World War is about-

I mean, within a few hours

I mean, when you kinda got the feelin' this song is gonna happen'

Get out into the country

'Cause when the fragments come down and turn into a gaseous form

You wanna be out there, able to

Breathe the air, free and equal

'Cause when you're sniffin' in the city, then all your mums, uncles, brothers, sisters

Cousins, dogs, cats, kids and neighbors will be out there, sniffin' the same air

And you may not get enough

So wind to the country, under the green trees and the green grass

And all kinds of wonderful things in nature

And get out there and breathe the air, like you're supposed to do!

And I know most of you are very impatient for the Third World War

I even realize that most of you wanna get this song over with, so you can go back home

Have your own Third World War

But before you go, before you leave tonight, start fightin'

I wanna give you a little verse to sing, while you're standin' there

Breathin' the air, havin' a wonderful time during the Third World War

In case you have anythin' better to do

But just gotta wait 'til it comes around

Here it is

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

Walk right in, it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track and

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

You didn't sound like you was out there, breathin' the air

Mean, I don't wanna sit here for 30 minutes every night and just have you stand there

Singin' a chorus without any kinda feelin'

Imagine that you're out there, during the Third World War

And the multi-colored rainbow roach bombs explodin' all around here

And you're out there, havin' a wonderful time

With all your friends, dog, cats, kids, neighbors, mothers and uncles

Brothers, sisters, cousins and neighbors

Out in the street of your yard if you can't get out the city

And if you can, imagine yourself in the country of flowers

Sittin' there

Yeah, havin' a wonderful time

And I realize there's d- undoubtedly some feds in the audience tonight

But I know damn well you'll be out there too!

Everybody's gonna be out there, sniffin' the air

So, when it comes around again, sing it like you're out there, breathin' air

None of this city smog stuff, we'll just wait 'til it comes around again, and this time

Like you're out there, havin' a wonderful time in nature's wonderland

I'm a pacifist myself

Don't mind getting into a war every once in a while, though

And so I'm gonna sing it with feelin', when it comes around again

And you should do the same, 'cause here it is!

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

Excepting Alice!

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

Walk right in, it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

And you can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dam, at Alice's restaurant!

Good night!