Calm Down Baby

This is for anyone wishing they could do their entire life over

Quit sulking, you fucking pussy

Yeah, yeah, yeah, clown on my accent all you want

(I'll whoop your grandmother's ass)

I'll whoop your ass (I'll whoop your sisters' ass)

I'll beat your mom's ass (I'll kick your ass)

Yo! It's the anti-socialite not-so-Christian

That will talk more shit than bitter and old women

On puny-ass rappers with little-to-no rhythm

Fuck veganism, give me some General Tso's Chicken

I write weird songs that got hooks like journey

And if I grew my hair out, I'd probably look like Fergie

But I'd never tinkle in my pants while I was on stage

'Cause I was potty-trained when I was four years of age

I think a lot of people these days are bitches

I also think that emo and emotional are different

But more so, I hate white girls that talk like

"Aw, hell no, girl, I'm gettin' you sick crunk, you know what I'm sayin'?"

I'm not jokin', it's nothing but bark, I feel lost

Can't remember where the fuck that I parked

The world is gray and blue but what skates me through

Is knowing that I have a better music taste than you

I used to like Tool until they made the same album that

They made the last time they made the same album

Every time they make a damn album, it's the same album, really

And only stoners listen to their music, it's silly

I still think the Deftones are dope

And I like Nick Drake on the days I wanna let go of hope

Wilco is great and Ice-T is still clever

And no matter what, it's always Wu-Tang forever

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

I'm 25, I started rapping as a sophomore

In those days, I'd hide my cigarettes in my sock drawer

Until I heard my mom snoring, sleeping on the green couch

And then I'd secretively sneak out

My first taste of heartbreak was at the park late one summer night

I had a big crush on a girl named Sarah

I was gonna ask her out 'til I saw Tim Phillips kissing her, grabbing her butt (asshole!)

I was madder than fuck and walked home

Oh, Tim Phillips smells like Cool Water cologne

Well, fuck him, his Mustang and all his other friends

I vowed I would never love again, and since then I've dated

But fuck that, I can't give nothing

I'd rather sail alone than have my damn ship sunken

Being single's par for the course

I don't wanna cause a marriage 'cause I don't wanna cause a divorce

It's probably important and it's better for health

Besides, I get the whole damn bed for myself

But what the hell, everybody yells for me to drop down my guard

No! This heart of mine's for me, it's locked down and it's scarred

Go home, I don't need me a wife, I'm happily single for life, alright?

My name is Mac Sheldon, I'm a fire-shined Leo

Alcoholic, anti-mall, anti-hero

Anti-soccer mom, anti-hipster

Pro-eating Captain-Crunch-cereal-for-dinner

Pro-taking-bong-hits-to-cure-your-depression

And pro-demo CD, if you got one, let me check it

But never ask me what the hell I'm laughing about

See ya later, I'ma go take a nap on the couch, alright?

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

Calm down, baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Well, Gee Mac

What are we gonna do about this Kansan and accent of yours?

"Well, self, since you're asking in the third person

We're gonna fuckin' keep it!

Because it makes us pretty, and unique and beautiful like birds!"

I'll whoop your mother's ass