Railroad Bill

Railroad Bill was a hard-livin' man

He used to take his women two at a time

Everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer

That ever driven down the Santa Fe line

His name was known from the folks back home

To the tippy-top of Telegraph Hill

And all the little boys when they were sneakin' cigarettes

They used to dream about the Railroad Bill

One day Bill was walkin' along

And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree

When he saw what was the matter

He ran to get a ladder

To set that kitty cat free

And Bill said "No. Ain't gonna do it

Ain't gonna climb up no tree

This is a stupid, stupid song

And no folk singer's gonna make a fool out of me."

I said, "One day Bill was walkin' along

And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree

When he saw what was the matter

He ran to get a ladder

To set that kitty cat free."

And Bill said "No. Ain't gonna do it

Ain't gonna do what you said

This is an asinine song

As far as I'm concerned

That cat can stay there until it's dead."

I said, "Wait a minute Bill, you can't argue with me

For God's sake, I just made you up

I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree

I want that cat unstuck."

Bill said "No. I hate cats

Ain't gonna climb for no cat."

He said, "Why don't you have me save some beautiful girl

Who's been tied down on the railroad tracks?"

I said, "Maybe there'll be room in the eighth or ninth verse

But right now I want you up in that tree

I'm the writer, goddamn, I got the pen in my hand

And you're supposed to listen to me."

He said, "You asshole. Why should I listen to you?

You should be listening to me instead."

He said, "I'm a railroad man, and if I was real

I would separate your face from your head."

"You ungrateful brute," I cried, "you pushed me too far

I gotta show you I can do as I please."

So an earthquake came and it shook the whole train

And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees

And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked

And Bill was almost completely washed away

And then a big green monster

From the planet Neptune

Landed and bit Railroad Bill on the leg

"I got the pen in my hand, I can do what I want

I'm a bright new young talent on the rise

So get your ass up that tree or I swear

You ain't gonna get out of my folksong alive."

He said, "You don't scare me

You might be crazy but you don't scare me

And if you don't leave me alone

I'm gonna tell everybody where you stole this melody."

But before he could speak

His tongue fell out and he could not make a sound

Suddenly he jumped on top of me

And he grabbed me by the neck

And he pulled me to the ground

Then he hit me in the stomach

Then he hit me in the face real hard

And I think he almost broke my nose

But just then a lightning bolt came out of nowhere

Hit him right between the eyes and killed him instantly

Well the cat came down from the tree

Had a bowl of warm milk, went to sleep for the night

Railroad Bill is survived by a wife and three small children

Dear God, I love to write