Fig Newtons

Fig Newtons, argh, when I was a-

Let me tell you a little story

When I was a kid, you could only get figs in your Newtons

And I'm proud of them because

They've turned the Newton industry on its ass

I am so proud of them because you could only get figs

Which is a pretty, I give them credit for that

That's a pretty bold move to dedicate

Your entire product line to the fig of all fruits

I've never, a fig, I've never seen a fig outside of a Newton in my life

A fig could walk down those steps right now and I'd be dumbfounded

Who are you? Oh, you're a fig, okay, okay, easy, easy, pig

I didn't recognize you without your cookie covering

But I know who you are now, you're more than welcome

I don't discriminate against any dried fruit

Whether it be apricot or prune, I don't care

You come, you sit, there's beer in the fridge, but

The fig, but then some guy, the head of the Newton business

I think he must have taken over and wanted to, you know

Change things around a little bit, take over from the old guy

The old guard, and he called everybody together in a similar hall to this

Probably called everybody together, "You better be there too

If you don't show up, don't bother coming into work on Monday"

This guy, and this guy got up there, and he said, "From now on

From this day forward, anything, anything we can grind up and shove inside a Newton

Let's do it!"

And some guy in the third row says, "Uh, cranberry kiwi, sir?"

"Fuck, yes, cranberry kiwi"

"I said anything, goddamn it, I'll shove you in there

If I think that's going to move Newtons

I am sick and tired of getting our asses kicked by the Girl Scouts

Those bitches, they have no overhead"