Christopher Columbus

Everyone has idols, right?

People who inspire them and drove them on to greater horizons

As a kid, my idol, and he's still my idol

Of all the great American heroes, my idol is Christopher Columbus

What a great thing that was discovering America

I wouldn't have found it

I don't know where you people would've been, I wouldn't have found it

You know, discovering America wasn't a thing that

Columbus had gotten wrapped up in after getting older

As a kid, this was all he talked about

He lived in a little town with his mother and father

Their names were Mr. and Mrs. Columbus

Everybody thought Chris was off his cookie

Like the neighbors would tease him, they'd come by

And lean over the fence, he'd be there in the yard

And they'd say, "Christopher Columbus, what are

You, what are you gonna do when you grow up?"

And he'd say, "I'ma discover America"

They'd say, "You better cut that out

You know there isn't any America, you know the world is square"

Chris would say, "They sure are"

At 35, he'd gotten out of grammar school

He arranged an audience with the queen

Queen Isabelle, Isabelle Johnson

That was the queen's name

And she asked him about this America project, and Chris tells her, "

If I don't discover America, there's not gonna be a Benjamin Franklin

Or a Star-Spangled Banner and the land

Of the free and the home of the brave

And no Ray Charles"

When the queen heard "no Ray Charles" she panicked

The queen said, "Ray Charles? You gon'

Find Ray Charles? He in America?"

Chris says, "Damn right, that's where all those records come from"

So the queen's running through the halls of the

Castle screaming, "Chris gon' find Ray Charles

He goin' to America on that boat, what you say?"

She wrote him out a traveler's check

Chris ran to the local Army-Navy store, he bought, he

Bought three U-ships, two pair of fatigues, some shades

Then he got his supplies for the trip, he got two chicken sandwiches

Three cans of Vienna sausage

Five cases of scotch and a small 7-Up

Then he got a new rag to tie his head with too

He's ready to leave

He's ready to leave

All the photographers and reporters are at the pier to see him off

All the girls are there, they're all screaming, "Goodbye, Columbus

He goin' on that boat, he goin' to America"

Isabelle was there and she'd had a few

Isabelle's saying, "Chris gon' find Ray Charles"

Chris said, "Be cool, Isabelle, be cool"

Then he turned to the first mate, he says, "Weigh anchor"

About ten minutes later the guy says, "7482 pounds"

Chris said, "Put the anchor in the boat

Don't weigh it, just put it, y'all

Don't even know how to weigh the anchor"

He'd gotten out of the harbor, the first

Mate asks, "Chris, which way is America?"

Chris said, "I don't know, we're gonna

Have to sail around until we bump into it"

Said, "We better go this way

If we go that way we'll sail off the edge like them other guys"

A hundred days later, the men are ready to mutiny

Chris has been goofing

He's been going through a bit like, "Back up!

Make a right! Watch out for the edge!"

First mate said, "Come here, Chris

Come here," he said, "Chris, the men are ready to mutiny

Cabin boy said that if you don't find America

In two days he's gonna smack you in the mouth"

Right then, a piece of wood floats by the ship

Chris said, "There's a piece of wood

So we're not far from America, that's American wood"

Said, "I know American wood when I see it"

First mate said, "Why don't you cut that out? It's

A piece of the ship, they're breaking up on us"

Right then the guy in the mast yells, "Land ho!"

Chris said, "What does that mean?"

The guy said, "That means he sees land"

Chris said, "Well, pull over

Maybe that's America, you're gonna pass right by it

You guys don't even know America when you see it"

He said, "That is America"

He said, "Look at all those spacious skies

Those amber waves of grain"

Said, "Dig that purple mountain's majesty

I bet there's fruit out there on the plain"

It's a big holiday in America that day

Big holiday called Not-Having-Been-Discovered-Yet Day

All the Indians on the beach, they're

Celebrating, they got sandwiches, six packs

Three or four bags of whatever it is they're putting in the pipe

Chris leans over the rail of the ship, he says, "Hey, y'all!

Y'all, where is this?"

Fine little Indian girl, fine little

Indian, fine little West Indian girl

Standing on the beach

She said, "Why, what's your name?

The hell you want coming 'round here in them ships?"

Said, "My name's Christopher Columbus, I'm out discovering

So I'ma discover America

I'ma discover y'all"

Little Indian girl said, "We don't wanna be discovered

You can't discover nobody if they don't wanna be discovered

You better discover your ass away from here"

First mate said, "Chris, they're hostile"

Chris said, "Yeah, and they mad, too"

Said, "But we're going in there anyway

That's America, they can't keep us out of there

America belongs to everybody, let down the longboat"

And they let down the longboat, which was

Really a short boat on the side of the big boat

They called it the longboat because they had

A peewee boat but they weren't gonna use that

And they piled into shore and they're heading into the boat

And the men are laying down because the Indians are

Throwing rocks and spears and flaming arrows and tree trunks

Yelling out a bunch of profanity about Chris' mother and everything

First mate said, "Chris, we better not

Go in there, those Indians are crazy"

Chris said, "Turn the boat around, we'll leave

We'll make a map and give it to the Pilgrims

Pilgrims'll fix their ass"