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Living together is a whole fucking 'nother animal, dude
We just bought an apartment together too
I bought it, but whatever
And we got it in New York City which sucked
'Cause it's so expensive
We got a one bedroom apartment in New York
Which is fucking ridiculous money
Just, I wanted to get a studio
But you can't, you can't live with a chick in a studio
Because you fuck, when you argue
You need that fucking bedroom to go to
So you don't fucking punch her
You know what I mean?
You need to be go, "Fucking, I hate you!"
And just slam a fucking door
And just block yourself from fucking being near her
A studio, you fight
It's like the Blair Witch Project
Just, "Fuck you bitch, I hate you!"
"Fucking asshole
I can hear you, I'm right here you asshole!"
We actually wanted to get accordion doors
To kind of make a one bedroom in the apartment
But you can't have accordion doors
You need that door, that heavy wood door
To slam the fucking thing
You ever slam a door, you just fucking
"I fucking hate you"
Bam! And it shakes the whole fucking house
Something her grandmother bought her
Falls off the fucking wall and smashes
And you hear her go
"Oh! That was my grandmother's!"
You're like, "Fucking, I hated those sconces, good
Fucking shitty old sconces"
But accordion doors are like, anticlimactic
You can't even, you know, it's like
"I fucking hate you!"
Frrrick
The magnets don't connect
She's still looking at you like an asshole through the crack
"Come on, you fucker"
One apartment we looked at
It was the hallway to the front door
It was like a mile long, I swear to God
It was like all the way to the bathroom long
Which sucks!
You need that front door right there
When you say you're leaving
You need to get the fuck out
"Fuck you!" Bam!
And just leave
This place, the hallway was so long
You wind up making up before you leave the apartment
You're like, "I'm fucking leaving, I hate you!
Fuck you too bitch!
You started it!
Sometimes you say things that hurt my feelings too
I love you too baby
Why are you gonna fucking fuck with me?
Meet me halfway, I love you
I'm so tired"
That's another thing too
She gets mad at me 'cause I don't say "I love you" or "miss you"
You ever get that shit?
"You never say 'I miss you' or 'I love you'
Don't you miss me?"
"No! I fucking don't"
Soon as I leave the house my phone rings
Like five minutes later, "Hey guess who?"
"I don't know, you?
I have caller ID you morons
A photo of you comes up every time you call, haha!"
"Do you miss me?"
"Fucking no! I just left!
I'm not going to war, I'm getting a sandwich
I'll be back in five minutes"
She gets mad 'cause, "You never say 'I love you', you
Don't say-" It's not that I don't love her, I do love her
I just don't want to desensitize her to those fucking words
When I say "I love you"
I think it should fuck you up inside
You should feel those words
Like my mother says "I love you" my whole life
"I love you Bobby"
"I know ma, I love you too"
"I love you"
"I love you fucking too"
"Alright, I'll see you later, I love you"
"I fucking love you too"
It means nothing, I feel it never
"Do you love me?"
"Yeah, I fucking guess, I don't know"
My father said "I love you" one time
When I graduated high school
It fucked me up for like three and a half weeks
I didn't know what to do
He was like, "Son, I love you"
I was like, "I fucking love you too dad!
I love you so much!
Why would you do this in front of my friends man?
I don't, can you hold me? I love you, I love you!"
He was like, "Alright homo, get together, come on
I don't say it 'cause you turn into a pussy"
Ugh, I have bedtime now too
Do you have bedtime?
Ugh, just, "Let's go to bed"
What the fuck?
I'm a guy, we don't go to bed
We fall asleep like heroin addicts with remotes in our hands
"I must stay up, there's a crocodile special on
I wanna watch this shit
Please God let me stay up
I wanna see a crocodile bite someone's face"
"Just go to bed!"
"I'm not fucking tired!"
"Your eyes are shut"
"I'm resting my freaking eyes in my face, shut up
I wouldn't have to stay up if you didn't use the
TiVo for Grey's Anatomy you freaking ass face"
When you live together though, it's like bedtime, right?
Do you get excited?
"Let's go to bed!"
"Yeah!"
You run around, you turn into light fairies
"I got this light, who's got that light?
I got the kitchen, bam!
I'm gonna make it to the bed first!"
Run in, jump into the bed, pull the covers up to your head
You just, two happy floating heads
"I love you, haha!"
"Thanks"
Someone always forgets the bedroom light too, no
You lie in there, "Fuck you bitch, I ain't getting out of bed
No way, I might never be this comfortable ever again, no way"
Throw the dog at the switch
"Arf!" Missed
"Arf!"
"Arf!"
"Arf!"
"Arf!"