Gaunt and Sexy

I love the internet

Because now we have rappers who used to be gangsters and thugs

Telling us not to download music because it's stealing

Oh my, I'm so, I'm choking on irony

Do you think there's one case of polite Tourette's in the whole world?

The whole world

One person that yells out random compliments for no reason at all

"Nice smile!"

I'm sorry, ma'am, I have a disease

And you'd be like, "Don't worry about it, that was kind"

"Lovely hat!"

I think two examples is enough, next joke

I hope we find a cure for every major disease

I'm tired of walking 5K, alright

My favorite holiday, hands down, daylight savings time

I love it, I love it

It's not a real holiday, I don't care

I celebrate it like it is

I have ravioli and I throw confetti on my bushes

I'm pretty sure that won't catch on either

My friend says to me, he goes

"Don't you wish we always had daylight davings time?"

And I'm like, "No friend," with the exact same voice as mine

Because then I wouldn't realize how great it truly is

I'd like to change Daylight Savings Time, are you ready for this?

One hour forward, hold on, Irvine

I put in whatever city I'm in right there so it feels more local

To five hours forward

Because people with nine-to-five jobs have gotten

Too selfish and complacent with the daylight

They get it all the time

People that work at night, one third of this country

According to a survey I made up for this joke

People that party at night, we get robbed, it's not fair

I'm not asking for the whole year, half the year

Five hours forward, what's that mean?

It means the sun's rising at noon

Hm, guess who doesn't feel like such a piece

Of shit every morning when he's waking up?

Wow, the sun's just now coming up?

I might mail a letter and get groceries today

It's time for me to turn this life around tomorrow

And, and sexually transmitted diseases would drop off completely

I'll feed you baby birds

Five hours forward

That means the sun's setting at two in the morning

That means guys, you're at a bar pumping drinks into some girl

You get to bring her outside in the daylight

Yeah

You get to be like, "Sorry, sister, I'm gonna go it alone

No, no, thank you

I will see you back in Standard Time where you belong"

And then she's all like, "Oh, you'll be back there

Always come back for my coochie in the dark"

And you will be like, "Thank you Daniel

For I almost fucked a pterodactyl"

And you don't wanna have sex with a pterodactyl

Not at your place, they have a 14-foot wingspan

They are knocking everything off your counters, they're all like

Then you have to go to Target and you're on a budget, right?

That place gets expensive

You go in there for two things, but then you see the frames

How do you pass up brushed silver?

Thank you

That joke had something for everybody

There was pterodactyls, there was sex

And there was those great knick-knacks

At Target that you just can't say no to

You ever watch The Price is Right and secretly hope once, just once

When the old lady's spinning the wheel

That she gets caught underneath and it snaps her back right in half?

And a pool of blood comes around and it lands on a dollar

Bob pees himself laughing

"Holy cow, I can't believe it

Always wanted this to happen, ah

Get up, bitch, you have a bonus spin

Take the bonus spin seriously

The greens are worth five thousand

Don't go up there trying to show your

Friends at home how strong you are

One rotation, that's your best odds

That'll get you to the showcase showdown

With a little money in your pocket

It's gonna slow your heart rate down

You're gonna bid more effectively

You wanna pass on that first showdown, right?

Carpet, couch, queer, you don't need it

The second one's got the WaveRunner"

Money doesn't buy happiness

That phrase should end with "just kidding"

You live in this country, wrong answer

Money buys happiness, buys a WaveRunner

You ever seen a sad person on a waveRunner

Have you?

Try to frown on a WaveRunner

Those things are awesome

Money buys happiness

You ever seen a homeless person skip?

They don't, they're not allowed

I once saw a homeless person start to skip

Bottle hit him right in the head

He forgot the rules, he'll remember next time

Yeah, I threw it, I don't care

Why is he happier than me?

He shouldn't be, I'm rich spiritually

You ever hear girls say that?

"I'm not religious but I'm spiritual"

I like to reply, "I'm not honest but you're interesting

Huh? Let's have cider and talk about your crazy cats"