Текст пісні
Can't buy nothing from China no more. Good lord, the dog food
Toothpaste, they're all poisoned. The dog food's poisoned, you
Believe that? Now my buddy has no idea what to get his wife for their
Anniversary. Does y'all believe me? Alright, I shouldn't say that
He gets mad when I say that, but she ain't good looking so I don't
Know what else to say about her, alright? He met her online, that
Oughta tell you something. He's like, "Quit making fun of my eye
Candy." More like "eye broccoli," good lord. You didn't meet her
Online, you met her on drugs, I'll guarantee you that much there
She's homely. She's part Eskimo. The part that pulls the sled
Alright? That's what she is. She's bad. She faxed her picture into
Eharmony.com and crashed the server on that son of a bitch last week
And that's, that's a true story right there. She is bad. I got her in
A bass tournament with me and she's in the boat and they disqualified
Me for having a pet on the boat. I do, hey, I like fishing. I'm gonna
Tell you something, I almost won a bass tournament in Florida in
January and it was awesome. I had three of these big slobberknockers
And just before the weigh in I forgot to take out the batteries and
They started singing Garth Brooks songs on me in there, they pissed
Me off. I like to drink and fish, you like to drink when you fish?
Of course you do. Why the hell go fishing? But don't get so drunk you
Don't know what you're doing out there when you're fishing. We was
Fishing the other day and I get hammered and I'm like, "I gotta take
A leak." Ugh, so I start peeing in the lake. Realized I was in the
Fish tank up at the Red Lobster. Thank god they put rubber bands on
Them lobster pinchers, I'll tell you that much. Good lord, I'd be
Up here half-cocked right now, alright? I would be. It ain't funny
I would be. And let me ask you, you ever ice fish? I like to ice
Fish. My wife's from Wisconsin, they ice fish, but that proves that
Fish is the biggest retards on the planet right there. What a bunch
Of... you're them doggone fish. You go to the ice, you cut a hole
In the ice, you put your food on the hook and you throw it in the
Hole and the fish grab it and you pull them out and they got that
Look like "Mm, what the hell?" What a bunch of morons. What would
You do if you was sitting at home watching TV and all of a sudden a
Pot pie fell from a hole in the roof? Wouldn't that throw up a couple
Of red flags to you right there, maybe not to go near that pot pie?
Bunch of retard fish. I used to fish a lot with my grandpa and he
Don't fish no more, he's too old to fish but I love him. He's real
Old, matter of fact he had a prostate check, they found an arrowhead
In there last week so he's pretty nervous about it. He's going to
The archaeologist next week to see what's going on with him but...
Felt bad for my grandpa a while back 'cause he likes to go on his
Morning walks and little jogs but he's been tripping and falling and
Hitting his head. We thought he might have a brain tumor so we took
Him to the doctor up there. Turns out he's fine but the doctor said
That when he walks from now on he needs to tuck his nuts into his
Socks. That's funny, I don't care who you are, alright? That's a good
Joke, right? But he had a birthday party a while back, we was gonna
Get him a stripper to pop out of a cake but we couldn't find one last
Minute so we got a fat girl to strip for a piece of cake. And for a
Second I thought she was making balloon animals over
There but she was just bent over with a thong on at the
Time I seen her over there and that's, that's nasty. Ugh
Them thongs. I'm wearing a thong right now. Yeah, don't
Get too excited. It started out as boxer shorts, alright?